The above, uh, gem of a quote came from a team leader at a weight loss meeting that I used to attend back in my Uni days. Every Saturday morning I would pay for the privilege of being weighed in public and listen to some bird talk about food for an hour. She always ended with what was supposed to be an inspirational quote for us fellow fatties. And for some reason, this one stuck with me. Not because I think it is a great little slogan or anything, but because I at once recognized in it something a little too extreme, something that I could twist to my own bad logic.
Now I knew that what the team leader had meant was that we should think about this whenever we were reaching for that kings sized chocolate bar, whenever we found ourselves poised over the ice cream container with a spoon in hand, whenever we were tempted to say ‘Oh hell yes’ to fries with that ‘and a large choc Sundae too.’ But I knew that I could take “Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels” and let that little voice in my head say ‘See? Just don’t eat then.’ And I could hear it whispering away in my brain as I left the meeting. And I thought of that powerful feeling you can get from an empty stomach, the secret pride you can feel as you watch other people eat, while you sip on water and lie ‘I’m not hungry, I had a big lunch.’ I imagined kilos melting away, people complimenting me, buying clothes with pleasure instead of shame. But I knew that it wasn’t healthy, that it wouldn’t work. That I’d either get to a point where I would either be too scared to eat, or I’d reward my efforts with just letting myself eat whatever I wanted and ending up even fatter. So I managed to ignore the voice. But I still haven’t managed to quash it completely.
The reason I have posted this now is because lately the voice has been whispering to me again. On Mother’s day, I weighed myself. It was a stupid thing to do. Because as I suspected, I had put on 3 kilos since christmas. 3 kilos is not heaps, but I can notice it in my clothes, and the fact that it is going up at all is enough to make me feel depressed. I know I’m not Biggest Loser material (yet!) but it is enough to just take me out of my healthy range and make me feel gross.
So I should have been enjoying my day with my beautiful son, and here I was thinking about my own fat arse and what should I do about it and ‘Just stop eating’ came into my head again but this time, it held a lot less power. Because, firstly I have the support of a guy who loves me with or without the extra kgs, and secondly I have a little boy who needs his mum to be healthy and happy. And not eating at all = not so healthy, and obsessing about my weight day and night = not so happy.
So its back to basics. Watching what I eat and exercising more. And maybe thinking about being a healthy active mum, setting a good example for my little boy, instead of some crappy quote I heard once when I was 19.