I think I’m Paranoid (and complicated.)

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Three separate things have happened in the last few days that have really set the paranoia monkeys in full flight for me.

I’ve been feeling so good lately that they’ve really taken me by surprise.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had to deal with the paranoia monkeys.

Mine have been around ever since I was child, when I believed if I wasn’t worried enough about something bad that could happen, then surely something terrible would happen, because I wasn’t giving the situation the gravity it deserved. It made sense to me back then. Along with never falling asleep after seeing an ‘odd’ time on my clock. I would have to wait until the time ‘turned even.’ For example; if I looked at the clock and it was 10:21 pm, I would not allow myself to close my eyes and drift off. However, once it became 10:22, it was perfectly fine for me to sleep. The only exception to this time rule was 10:15, which, being my birthday, made it an extremely fortunate time to fall asleep. Of course. How logical.

Just as logical as my feeding the flying paranoia monkeys. As I was saying; I would focus on whatever was worrying me, believing that by thinking and thinking about it, it was less likely to happen. What?!

Generally, now, as a (mostly) more logical adult, I try not to focus on those little worries, instead feeling that the worry is a waste of energy. And most of the time I’m able to do that.

But these last few days, I have let some little niggling worries really spiral out of control over really short periods of time. What started as perhaps the tiny whispered grunt of one paranoia monkey, has turned into horde of screeching, jumping, out-of-control winged monkeys, flapping their wings and making my stomach churn.

But instead of letting them fly off with my mind, I am resolved to find out what purpose they serve at present and I believe I may have worked it out.

The situations that sparked the paranoia could have been avoided if I was paying more attention.

If I had not been constantly thinking about what’s ahead, the next five things I need to do, where I need to be in a few hours I would have avoided the oversights which started the ‘What if..’ possibilities and the paranoid hypotheticals.

I need to slow down, be present, pay attention.

And let those goddamn monkeys fly far away from me.